May the 4th

A few months ago, someone on Threads asked followers to post moments of visitation, or when you dream so intensely about someone that has passed that you feel like you are in the same room. I didn’t feel like sharing something so intensely personal like that back then, but it was gratifying to read so many experiences that mirrored the one that I had during my Freshman year in college. There is a lot of context, but in brief, the year before the visitation; I had been at a dance with a good friend who had always showed signs of having a big crush on me. The crush part scared me, but I loved being his friend and didn’t see him often because he lived two hours away and this was back with long distance calls were only cheap on the weekends and heavily monitored by parents-IF they gave you permission to call at all. Even so, we remained very friendly throughout our high school years and I was always happy to see him at the statewide dances and other activities the youth groups we belonged to held throughout the year.

During the Fall of my Senior year, we met up at one of those big statewide dances. Even though I was already in the abusive high school relationship that I often write about here, he had refused to come to the dance with me that night because it was “for babies”, allowing me a night of freedom and a chance for the other friend and I to talk and reconnect. Towards the end of the evening, he veered into the ‘I have feelings for you’ territory that I usually tried so hard to avoid, and for the first time, I thought about meeting him there-even though I was terrified of what my boyfriend would do if I did.

The dance ended and he and I resolved to pick up our conversation the next time we saw each other. (Again, this was before email, cell phones, or texting.) But we never got the chance. He was killed in a car/train collision just about a week after our last conversation. As I still felt very trapped in the abusive relationship with my high school boyfriend, I had to be very private about how and when I mourned. It wasn’t until my Freshman year in college when that relationship was ending and I found myself living in the dorms with some of my friend’s high school classmates who were missing him too, that I could really begin processing the enormous loss.

In the late Fall of that year, I experienced my first ‘visitation’. One night as I slept in my dorm room, I dreamed that I found myself in a plain white room. After taking a few moments to look around the room, I turned in the other direction and I saw my friend. He was wearing his khakis and red polo as I had seen him wear at so many dances. I was afraid to approach him, but he sat down next to me and took my hand. I tried to catch him up on the year that had happened in his absence, how much I missed him, and how sorry I was for never really telling him how I felt. He told me he knew my situation had been complicated and that he knew how much I regretted it because he had seen over the last year how much I missed him, even when I had to so carefully keep it to myself. And then he told me that my sadness was holding him back when he was “trying to be in a better place” and that he was giving me permission to move on. I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder for what felt like hours. He lifted our joined hands and told me it was time for me to wake up. I told him that I didn’t want to because when I did, he would be gone. He said that was true, but that he would always be holding my hand. I woke suddenly, covered in goosebumps, and catching my breath. As I became aware of my body again, I dreaded focusing on my hand because I knew it would feel empty. But somehow, it felt like he was still holding it.

Thirty-five years later, it can still feel that way when I think about it and remember that dream. I’ll never truly know whether the ‘visitation’ was real or not. But it will always feel real to me. And that is enough. I share it now because he would have been 53 today. At this point, I have no concept of what things would be like if he was still here, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still remember him, and it doesn’t mean that I won’t always miss him. Happy Birthday my Friend-and did you know your birthday is now “Star Wars Day”? Because I think you would love that.